As I sit here an look back at the weekend I realize that everything is not what it seem, not even those words you meant to release upon someone. They have become jaded. Language is something of complexity. It has developed into this hodge posh of multiple meanings where someone does not necessarily have to say exactly what they mean. It could be because they dont want to have that feeling of rejection, they are not ready to express their true feelings, or they are not ready to let anyone know their truth; embellishment. Things are not as black and white as they seem. I am actually moving back from this black and whiteness wishing to find myself back in it. I’m moving in a category to where I dont say everything I think and I dont fully express what I feel, all words are used against you. It’s better that the words you never said be used, rather the ones you are saying completely quoted and thrown back at you.
In corporate America, everything is jaded. Don’t say anything too much to cause a debate until its time. Don’t be controversial, this wont benefit you it will only hurt you. The only thing about you that should stand out are your words, not your work. This is something I have found out since I started working in Academia. Now, working for ge or p&g may be different but this is true in my case, from my perspective. Let my words on paper be louder than the things out of my mouth.
Finding myself in a situation where it seems almost fake to live in this world everything and not express what I really feel. I understand the girl dancing on the desk now. Living in this world is tired and mentally draining. Why does this have to be the corporate side of me? Is it a sign of maturity that I just dont completely tell someone their ideas are garbage and they need to stop pussy footing and do their job to the best of their capability… well I guess it is. And it really wasnt lady like with me saying that also. So, lets not forget be a lady and be professional. Be gray.
But how do I not let that fall over into my personal life. I’m becoming a more closed off person. The once outspoken girl is becoming more quiet, more inward and secluded. I already had emotional issues but now, whew.
I’m looking for this balance and hopefully I will find it one day soon. Its crazy because its something like living a double life…